Gone to Work
by EtherealDreamCloud
Summary: Roger gets a job at some company, after a newspaper ad caught his attention. It would seem that he can safely take a break from Woody. But that is not true...not even the teeniest bit...
1. Before the not-so-legal break-in

**Credits: Original author is Игорян (or .3), whole story will be translated from Russian to English.**

 **Translator's notes: Long story short - this fic was deleted but was brought back to the site ficbook. But I still wanted to translate it, just with some minor differences.**

 **So, to Igor: I'm glad I helped and thanks for bringing it back!**

 **Anyway, in other words - when the original author of this fic posts new chapters, I'll translate them too. You'll probably see this fic updated a bit more often...hopefully. And don't worry, I haven't forgotten about the other NfH fics. It's just not easy to come up with new ideas while I'm busy or just plain lazy. Though it's a bit more easy translating, even if my Russian language is rusty.**

 **Sorry for the long note... I'll leave you to your reading.**

* * *

Mr. Roger Rottweiler, wearing his usual shrunken tanktop and trousers, got out of bed and went to the kitchen.  
On his way, he smiled at his whimpering dog and pat its head. He got sandwiches from the refrigerator, and put them in the microwave.

*Tick, tick, tick* he pressed three buttons to set the timer.

While the sandwiches are heating, Roger was looking out the window. After about five minutes, the microwave made a *Ding!* sound. After taking out the food, the neighbour sat down at the table and began to eat greedily.

* * *

Meanwhile, Woody woke up and did some shadow boxing. Then he changed to his sweater and jeans.  
He went to the bathroom to brush his teeth, combed his stylish hair and smiled at himself in the mirror. Afterwards, he went to have breakfast, which was much more nutritious than his neighbour's. It consisted of muesli with milk, orange juice and biscuits.  
Through the thin walls of Woody's house, he clearly hears all the words and thoughts of his neighbour.

"How's this flippity possible?" the fatso mumbled whilst eating "I've done nothing wrong, but he...Ooh, that freaking little stinker! Whatever! I'm going to get a job, then maybe I'll finally get a rest! Now where the frig's my newspaper? Ah, here it is!"

Roger put his greasy finger on the very first ad.

"So it's that office, huh? Okay..." he turned the page and wrote down the phone number, and went to the hall.

"Hullo? Yeah, it's Roger Rottweiler talking. I'd like to apply for a job to your company. And it says on your ad that you have a good reputation, right? Great!"

'And my neighbour is oh-so-dumb!' Woody guffawed, eating his breakfast 'He thinks, he can escape from my vengeance? Nope! Now it's time to give Joe a call...'

And the prankster got his mobile phone and dialed Joe's number.

"Hi, Joe! There's a little case to take care of. Well, Rottweiler got a job to some company. Maybe you and the camera crew could film another series. "

"Woody, you're a comedy genius! We'll be on our way!" said director Joe cheerfully.

Roger will surely have the worst days yet again.


	2. Pranks at the workplace

After meeting with director Joe, Woody showed him the building, which is where the neighbour works.

After Joe listened what Woody had to say, he understood everything.

"Listen, Woody...we can't film the series, as there are too many people going there." he said "They would surely notice and then question us. That shouldn't happen. Which is why I'll give you this small video camera."

The video camera is a 2002 digital model which has a silver colour.

"You can leave it anywhere, and no one will see it. When you're ready, set it on constant output footage so it can be aired. And it's time for me and the others to go." Joe leaves.

Satisfied with such turn of events, Woody placed his hand on the doorknob and quietly went inside the building.

At the entrance, there was a sleeping middle-aged security guard. The gun stuck out of the pocket of his jacket, but it was not real – it was a pop gun with percussion caps. Woody looked around, he stretched his hand and stole the gun. Afterwards, the hero set the video camera to record and fastened it over the door of the office. It was adjusted right, it should record everything needed. Woody with gun in hand, slipped to the elevator.

Stepping into the elevator, he saw the deliverer, who was carrying a huge bottle of water for the dispenser, and started a conversation.

"Hello! You are probably the local deliverer?" the prankster asked "I'm interested to know, do you know someone named Roger Rottweiler?"

"You just hit the bull's-eye!" the deliverer smiled "Mr. Rottweiler? Yes, I heard of him. After all, during **'Neighbours from Hell'** aren't you the one driving him mad? You're name's Woody Trickster, was it?"

"How did you guess?" Woody was surprised, then refrained from facepalming himself "Yes, I'm Woody Trickster. I had to tolerate Rottweiler before the first series, I really hate him! That's why I'm doing those pranks. You probably know my story, right?"

* * *

Roger was sitting at a computer and frantically typing something on the keyboard. The report was "whatever". He suddenly became thirsty, so he went to the dispenser, poured some water into a glass cup and started gulping it down. The refreshing water streams run down on his neck. The weather was incredibly hot, and only the cold water could save anyone from it.

The phone rang, and the neighbour rushed with the speed of a bullet. Meantime, Woody stepped out of the elevator.

After cautiously glanced left and right, he walked to a coffee table near the dispenser - there was a small ink jar. Next to the table was a tube of glue, and Woody took it. The prankster looked at the ink jar, then the dispenser's bottle.

'The neighbour runs here every five minutes to drink water. How'd you do it, Rottweiler?' he messed with it by taking out the bottle, put three drops of ink, and then put it back.

Hearing the neighbour's footsteps, he ran through the upward left door.

The unsuspecting neighbor was about to drink again. Getting some water into a glass cup, he did not take just a sip of the inked water, so it made him suddenly cough.

"Which... freak...did...this?! Why does the water has a weird taste?!" said Roger angrily between coughs.

In the neighbour's office, Woody a tube of glue from his pocket and thoroughly smeared the ringing phone with it. Upon hearing the fatso's steps, he set up a trigger for the pop gun, laid the pop gun to a chair and move to a hiding spot.

The fatso ran to the phone and tried to pick it up. It would not come off - it was stuck tightly.

This made Roger rage and swear. When he calmed down a bit after breathing heavily, he flopped down on the chair at the computer. The pop gun fired with a sudden sound. He jumped up, as his rear was burning and smelled of smoke.

Woody was standing behind the filing cabinet with documents, silently watching what is happening, while refraining himself from bursting into laughter. It was a hilarious sight how his enemy is tormented.


	3. Noxious rest

While Woody lets out all the pent-up laughter, the audience cheered which resulted in a excellent rating of the first episode. We will see how Mr. Rottweiler will mess up the report.

* * *

Cursing under his breath, Roger looked at his watch. The time was 18:45, and he was hurrying to leave. But...

"Rottweiler!" all of a sudden through the office, the boss yelled "Get over here!"

The neighbour reluctantly trudged to the boss. The boss is a gray-haired bald man, wearing a black jacket with stripes, green neatly pressed trousers and black shoes.

"Listen here, you dullard! Where's my report?" he demandingly questioned him whilst banging his fist on the nearest table "I asked you to hand it to me, and you're missing the deadline!"

"Mr. Jones, you know...let's just say something 'funny' happened to me..." Roger spoke with slight nervousness.

"To me your excuse is absolute flying pigs! I don't freaking care what happened! Just be ready with the report, you piece of trash!" Jones shouted thunderously. He was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

"Let me explain!" the neighbour was scared out of his mind, but spoke anyway "You see, what's wrong is... When I got back to my office, and sat down at the computer. I felt, that my behind smelled and was burning, I jumped and noticed that what I sat on was some fake gun with perc-something bullets! Maybe a rival company sent someone of their own, so they can play dirty tricks on me..."

"What rival company? There are no rival companies! You get that, you moron?!" Jones could not stand him "I'm telling you to give me the report! Where is it? I don't see it!"

"Couldn't finish it... the computer froze again..."

"I'm not going to wait any longer! Hand me the report next week! And if you mess up again, you'll fly out of here like a freaking plane!"

The next day, it was Sunday. Roger did not need to work on any reports, because the boss went somewhere on vacation, or to a seminar, and he did not even said anything about it to anyone, but yet he let someone replace him temporarily. Zam was a nerdy red-head, who was trying to flirt with his employees. Also he could not shout at "flown" employees, simply because he is unable to do it.

Roger saved the badly-made report...he just wanted to take a break. On the building's fourth floor, there was a recreation room. The neighbour decided to take the elevator so he could get there quicker.  
Inside the recreation room - a sofa, a TV, an aquarium filled with various types of fish and a bookcase. He sat down on the sofa, reached for the TV remote and turned on the TV. Then switched from channel to channel until he got to the sports one. There was the football World Cup, and England played against Germany. Roger was rooting for England, but now the Germans "trampled down" the English with well-established strategy passes and tricks. It was the middle of the first half, and the score was 0:1 for Germany.

"Ugh...Maybe they'll do better on the second half..." the neighbour turned off the TV, while he murmured.

Having risen from the sofa, he went to the aquarium, take a small box of food and pour it to the fish. It was pleasant to watch how they swim around.  
He entertained himself this way, then he left the room so he could go to the restroom. Although, it was very inconvinient to him that the restroom on the second floor is currently being repaired. Again, he cursed under his breath because of "toilet-breakers" and whatnot, but he still went to the first floor with the elevator...not down the stairs - because he was **that** lazy.

* * *

While Roger was going to the restroom, Woody got out of the cupboard chuckling quietly but complacently as if he want to say "Ahah! I found you!"

The video camera was still recording. Next to the cupboard, Woody found a jar of silicone grease. Then he took a sofa cushion from the far corner of the room. After climbing up on the entresol, he cranked the TV wire, took some pack of pills, then he jumped down. He also pressed random buttons on the remote.

"Don't go near it!" Woody grinned, pointing to the currently faulty TV.

Next, he walked over to the bookcase, slightly opened the door, took a pillow and he climbed back to the entresol.

'And on the door...' he put the pillow on the slightly opened door, then closed it. The pillow stood exactly how he want it.

Afterwards, the prankster walked to the aquarium. Taking the pills out his pocket, he emptied the whole pack into the aquarium. Upon eating the pills, the fish became hyperactive.  
There was one more prank for the day. Woody twisted off the lid of the jar full of grease and spread all of its contents on the sofa seat. Nodding his head to someone unseen, he goes back to hiding.

* * *

Roger returned to the room.

'Let's watch some football...' he thought.

He flopped on the sofa, but...as soon as he did that, the fatso immediately slipped down, plopped to the floor which hurt his head.

"What the Hell?! Why's the seat so freaking slippery?"

Even when he is frustrated, he wiped the grease from the seat. He took the remote and tried to turn on the TV. Zilch...no response.  
The irritated fatso approached the TV and cranked wire, so he could fix it.  
Going to the aquarium, he started feeding the fish again. All of a sudden, one of the hyperactive fish jumped up and hungrily stuck its teeth to his fatty greasy thumb.  
Having barely brushed away the small fish and swore, the neighbour decided to read a book. Openning it, he got a pillow for his head and bounced on the sofa,  
but he slipped down again - there was still some grease left.

The enraged Roger began to tear the pillow, while Woody was sitting in the cupboard, trying not to laugh too loud at the sight of his neighbour's suffering. It was a lot of fun, and it is not yet the end of it.


	4. Lunch with the taste of vengeance

At noon on Monday, Roger went to the copier in the hallway of the second floor, which was next to the water dispenser. He just crammed a huge amount of paper in the copier, he put the number of copies to twenty, he stuck his own USB flash drive to it with the report is saved there, which the boss so furiously demanded. After that he pressed the "start" button, and it began printing and copying the report.

At that moment, there was a signal to notify everyone that it was lunch break. "LUNCH" with capital blue letters. The fatso heard how the other employees boomingly rushed to the cafeteria. Remembering that he also wants to eat, Roger gathered the pile of printed copies of the report, put them on a table and he also ran to the cafeteria. A bit later, he was on the second floor at exactly the right of of the hallway.

The first thing he did was going to the coffee vending machine, which stood against the wall near the entrance to the cafeteria.

'Huh, dang...should I get a latte or an espresso... or cappuccino at least! To Hell with it, I'm getting a latte!' Roger put 25 cents in the coin acceptor of the machine, he pressed some buttons on the control panel and waited.

At the bottom of the machine, a disposable white cup plopped down. The faucet poured a cocoa-coloured liquid, then the faucet moved up to put two sugar cubes in the cup. The machine stirred, because it has automatic stirring for any hot drink. Roger took the hot coffee and went to a table.

Then he sat down, crossed his legs and began to sip his coffee - it was delicious. There was a plate with donuts nearby. Roger, being a big fan of donuts, hungrily attacked them and avariciously chomp them down, one after another.

After stuffing himself, he wanted to go to the restroom. He went to the left of the cafeteria and through the hallway, but he forgot that it is being repaired on the floor he was on.

"These stupid repair-people are worse than the stupid toilet-breakers! They just can't fix these toilets any faster!" which made him growl and facepalm himself, yet he went to the first floor's restroom regardless.

When the neighbour was done using one of the toilets, he came out and washed his hands in the sink immediately.

A bit later, he went outside through the hall - for a breath of fresh air.

* * *

Woody quickly crawled out of the pot of the indoor palm tree, which was in the lobby of the first floor. He had to dust himself off from the dirt, and then he ran up the stairs. In his pockets, he has a mini hacksaw, crumpled rag, salt shaker, and a sachet of something resembling gelatine. Upon entering to the cafeteria, he looked around and energetically pushes through the crowd of employees, to make his way to the to a bar stand. There was a banana laying on it. Woody, as a fan of the classics, grabbed the banana, peeled it, and ate it in a few seconds. He threw the peel on the floor to the right of coffee vending machine.

For the next prank, he approached to the table where his neighbour sits at.

"Ahah... So the neighbour ordered some donuts. Oh, he's such glutton!" Woody gave a sly look them "I've heard from somewhere, that if you add gelatin to any confectionery, then it will lose its sweet taste and will become sour!" and he ripped the sachet, dipped the gelatine cube into cup of coffee which was left unattended by someone else.

After waiting for about a minute for the cube to soften, he divided it into several parts and spread it on all of the donuts. The white aura of smell coming from them suddenly turned dark. He laughed smugly, then the prankster took out the mini hacksaw and began sawing the chair's legs. Tired from the sawing, he wipes the sweat from his forehead.

Woody then took out a salt shaker, and unscrewed the cap.

"When I was a kid, mom told me that salt can't be used as a sugar substitute! Let's take Rottweiler and his coffee for example, then see if she was right..." and poured all of the salt into the fatso's cup.

Upon hearing footsteps, he dashed to the same restroom the fatso was in. Afterwards, he pulled the rag out of his pocket and stuffed it into the faucet. What happens next? Well, let that sink in for a moment...

'He'll sing a completely different song, and it'll be about flood!' the prankster laughed, then picked up a bottle of liquid soap and poured it into one of the toilets' drain.

"The neighbour's butt will be more than relieved!" he burst into laughter "Now it's time for me to scram..."

Opening the window above the sink, Woody climbed on the sink and jumped out the window with speed of Sonic the Hedgehog. He was standing on the sill of the window...

"Woody, get down!" said a familiar voice was heard from his earpiece.

It was director Joe, giving him an order.

"Why should I? Rottweiler's not nearby!" Woody has not understood the gravity of the situation.

"You should still do that! The security guard will be very likely to notice and give a big scolding! Also, you stole the pop-gun from him!" Joe shouted

"Alright, I'll get down..."

Then he looked downwards - it was about half a metre jump.

'And it's not too high either...' he thought.

So Woody jumped down, crouched and crept behind a bush.

"I didn't meant jumping down but okay..." said Joe "At least it wasn't from the second floor or even higher..."

* * *

The neighbor entered the cafeteria and walked back to the table, but...he stepped on the banana peel.

"Help me, I'm sliding!" that made him scream as loud and long as a flock of wild geese, he even almost sounded like one. After all, he is a geezer...

No one noticed, he was sliding across the place and crashing into all passing people.

After that, everyone gave him a weird look. It was understandable since he was drenched in coffee, lemonade, tea, and covered in remains of pastries, noodles and cutlets.

Roger growled more spitefully than he did at the "toilet-breakers" and the maintenance, he kicked the finally noticed banana peel. Then he landed on the chair, but he plopped down with it.

"Hey! What in the world is this? The chair legs broke again?! As if a group of carpenters got their hands on it, rip them apart and shove them back!" after he said this, he started cursing with every possible profanity he knows, which was possibly most of his vocabulary...or lack of it.

When he calmed down slightly, he fixed the chair. He sat down and started to slurp his coffee. On the first sip, he coughed and choked violently.

"Yuck! Yuck! What is this crud? Where did this salt come from? The sea, or whatever?!" the neighbour spat on the floor "Fine, at least I'll eat some donuts..."

Having bitten off one donut, he began to chew it. At that moment, he felt sourness in his mouth.

"Filthy! It's stupidly sour!" Roger spat again "Who does this? Maybe someone whom I'll kill to death!"

He wanted to use the toilet again. Rising from his chair, he went to where he was the last time. In the cabin, he was relieved after some huffing, puffing and effort. However, he also felt from his long-suffering rear were bursting bubbles. Of course, he shrieked so much from the situation, geese would be jealous of him.

"Oy! I'm sure now you'll get hemorrhoids! Most people have no brains - just soap in toilet water!" his yelling is now less gibberish-esque.

Lastly after flushing, he went to wash his hands. Upon turning the valves, nothing comes out from the faucet. He does not understand why.

'And what is this? Where's the water?!' he banged on the valves, but that failed so he picked the faucet. His face got instantly splashed by an enormous stream of water, because there was a rag in the crane.

"What the bacon?! Freaking curse you, you repair-people! You haven't fixed the toilets on that floor, now you're flipping messing with me!" after that sentence, he cursed so much...a sailor would not compete with him.

He would not trust a single technician, plumber, or anyone with a similar job after this experience, not even Mario and Luigi.

Still raging on, he kicked all the toilets to the point of breaking them into pieces. While Woody was listening to the geezer's uncensored swearing, he tried not to crack up. His own antics are just too amusing!

The camera, which is carried by the prankster, was still recording. The audience off-screen were simply thrilled from the successfully completed episode of **Neighbours from Hell**.

* * *

 **Translator's note: I just want to make myself clear about something. So far I had the most difficulty with this chapter, because in the original, there was an inconsistency between chapter 3 and 4, which basically involved the second floor's bathroom. That's about it!**


	5. Oh, give me a break!

"Rottweiler, have you went nuts? Why should I give you a day off?! You don't deserve it!" yelled Jones, getting up from his chair while glaring at Roger.

That was the answer he got after asking the boss for a day off. But if the neighbour decided on something, then he would not give up so easily, simply because he is incredibly suborn. Perhaps more suborn than a donkey on the middle of a bridge.

"You're giving everyone day offs, but why aren't giving me at least one? I've already handed you the report and it was stressful!" his shouts at the boss were strong enough to spit.

"The others, unlike you durian noggin, are at least hardworkers! You only waste precious time, and time is money! You should've hand in all of the reports at the end of the month!" Jones threateningly shouted, while brushing off a few pieces of paper from the desk.

"Right then, Onan..." the geezer suddenly switched to calling him by his first name "I'm giving you two choices: you either give me a break, or I'll flipping smash everything, pull your dang head off, and then shove it where the sun doesn't shine! You get me, freak?!"

Onan was trembling, he does not have the strength to say anything.

"Well, I understand...just calm down!" the geezer noticed the secretary, when the door thrust open "Smith, what are you doing here? I already hurt my throat, so don't say anything. You better go to the phone and work, I'm already bored with these papers **boondoggling around**."

The neighbour placed huge emphasis on the last two words. It was clear that he spoke in a serious tone. He waved at the shivering boss, left the office and stomped angrily all the way back home. The secretary, after watching him, just shrugged confusedly.  
Woody observed everything behind the bush. Naturally for him, he would not let anything slide.

'Ahah... So he took the day off... Well, okay... that's fine. I'll leave him alone for that. But when he shows up on the next day... He better believe that it'll be worse..." the mischievous hero grinned 'And I should also take a break...not from my pranks though...'

In other words - _revenge never sleeps._

* * *

Roger was back home. His mother Georgina was waiting for him, she is visiting her overgrown goof of a child for a few days. In the kitchen, the pleasant smell of her special apple pie lingered in the air.

"Momma, did you made it for my day off?" he wondered "You know, it's not a special day, yet you made a pie..."

"Well, that's because I thought that you may want to try some of it, son!" she clapped her hands.

"Okay, I'll try it. You put your time into it... I hope the pie has crust, it's more tasty with it."

While Roger was eating some pie, the doorbell rang. Georgina opened the door - Woody was standing on the doorstep, he was wearing a fake moustache and a banana-coloured raincoat as a disguise, his hair was fully hidden by a matching hat. Also, he was holding a neatly wrapped box.

"Hello! Are you Mrs. Rottweiler?" Woody asked politely with a Canadian accent "I'm here to bring this parcel. Please, give this to your son. His boss Onan Jones, asked to give this to him. Hoo boy, this thing's tough work... Packaging, assorting and etc... So far I'm here because of your favourite Canadian flight, all my guts shook though... And I am a courier on a call, I'm won't allow myself to shiver. Sigh here, please." he handed Georgina a piece of paper and a pen.

She signed it and gave back it to Woody. On closeup with her name signed, it really reads:

 _"Certificate about dementia:_

 _This certificate confirms that I, Mrs. Georgina Rottweiler, am a demented old hag and the fright of the marsh."_

"Well, Mrs. Rottweiler, I'll leave this check to yourself! I'll take my leave." said Woody politely, left the parcel and walked away.

Five minutes later, the doorbell rang again. She opened the door again - it was Olga.

"Hi, Olga!" she greeted her "What brings you here?"

"I brought a gift to Roger. I meant to give this to him long ago..."

"Hey, Rodge!" shouted Georgina through the house "Get over here, Olga brought you a gift!"

He listened to her. Having accepted the "mechanical bug" from Olga, which according to her, allows to connect cable TV in the house, he trudged into the living room to put it. Along the way, he took the parcel with him.

"And who is it from?" he asked.

"Some courier. I even left my signature for him."

"Okay, I'll open this thing."

Meantime, Joe and Woody sat behind a bush and waited, until the fun starts.

"We'll get them real good!" Joe laughed while tapping his shoulder "Especially with this certificate!"

"That's not all... I have another thing I came up. I just left the best for last." Woody replied.

The geezer put the "mechanical bug" on the TV, plopped down on the chair at the table to unpack the parcel. Pulling out the box, there was a smaller box. He was surprised at first, again he had to unpack. After a bunch of "box-ceptions", he got to the smallest box which was at the size of his hands. He unpacked it as well, then a boxing glove on a spring flew out and hit him in the face. Instantly, a neon arrow fluttered out with the words _"LOSER! That was a joke, not a parcel!"_

"How was I supposed to know that?!" he rubbed his jaw, hoping that it was not broken.

Meanwhile, his mother began to cook something in the kitchen. At that moment, a noise was heard outside of an automobile engine and screeching tires. There were also slamming doors, ambulance siren, followed by talks on a portable radio. These sounds were from Woody's recorder. He was wearing a medical intern - all of it was white, including the cap with a red cross. He knocked at the door.

"Hello, Mrs. Rottweiler! I'm a medical worker!" he claimed "You have a certificate. Accordingly, it is necessary to take you away to a psychiatric clinic!"

"What? **What?!** " Georgina shrieked " **Мe?!** An old lady with a healthy mind? To a clinic? You got to be joking!"

"No, no, no, no!" Woody waved his finger "Only a demented crone would claim they have a healthy mind... You'll be in a straitjacket!"

Joe immediately jumped out disguised as a medic and put her into a white towel with a length around fifty centimetres, which rolled her up in all of it, except for the head.

"To the van!" Woody ordered.

They hurled the old hag in the main part of the van, and the screeching siren went off. Laughing, he and Joe took off their disguises and shook hands. Then they went away somewhere behind the house and from behind a bush where they were watching.

"Hey, momma!" Roger called "I found your favourite Turkish soap opera, the one where they kept asking who's the real dad of some baby!"

No reply, it was quiet.

"Momma? Hey, momma! Where are you?" he does not understand.

After going downstairs, he found the so-called "certificate" about dementia. Having read everything, he dropped to his knees and looked up the ceiling.

 **"Trickster! I'll kill you and then bury you alive, you annoying pest!"** he yelled at the top of his lungs.

It was a unique way how the Rottweilers had been tormented this episode. They hate it, but the audience loved it.


	6. Leisurely day - as if!

Onan was evaluating a new report. While he was focused, Roger was sitting across the desk.

"So... ahah... right! Congratulations, Rottweiler! You deserve an extra pay!" Onan laughed, after he was done.

"Really? You serious?" Roger's eyes widened from surprise "I don't think you're talking about m-"

"I would not lie! If I did, then I better be struck by lightning" his boss interrupted "I'll add five thousand more!"

The neighbour exited the boss' office.

"It's needed..." said the neighbour to himself "...with some joy, I suddenly get extra pay... Is this a dream? If it's a dream, then why am I here? Fine, jokes on you, Jones. I'll go...umm...somewhere...to look into the archives. And why is it you entrusted this whole time?"

His monologue was heard by Woody who hid behind a filing cabinet.

"Extra pay, you say? Archives? Well now, you run along then *ahem* 'buddy'!" the prankster sneered.

He left his hiding-spot, after his neighbour walked away far enough, and then he pulled out of a dumbbell from a nightstand.

'This thing's heavy! So it should go there...' he moved it in the filing cabinet 'Don't drop yet...'

On the nightstand, there was a small bottle of alcohol.

"Alcohol combined with fire results in Molotov cocktail! Now I just have to find fire..." Woody put the bottle in his pocket.

Then he went to the cafeteria and took a pack of butter.

"Mixing butter with water, it's possible to get so much foam, make sure your mom doesn't see this mess, if you ignore my advice to not do any of these pranks at all!" with these words, Woody stuffed the pack in the microwave and heat it up.

When it was done, he tried to take it out.

"Gah! It's burning!" he hurt his hand, he was still holding it regardless "Right, I'll leave this room for now..."

He went to the restroom and poured the butter into the bowl.

"Oh, now it'll explode, I think... How much foam there'll be? Well..."

* * *

Roger, having finished smoking a cigarette, went to investigate the filing cabinet with the archives.

'Where the devil is that folder?' he thought as he rummages through the drawers 'Ah, here it is!'

But he dropped a drawer on his foot.

"For beefsteak's sakes! Why did it Hell? What the fell?! Err...I don't care that I mix up my own words just now, dang it!" he then searched through the fallen drawer and found a dumbbell "Who did this?!"

After he barely calmed down, walked to the yard to sit on a bench.

* * *

Woody ran into the lobby and poured the alcohol into the ashtray.

"It's only for cigarettes here, Rottweiler! Doesn't seem little...especially since smoking is bad!" he chuckled.

There was a fire extinguisher nearby on a wall.

'The fire extinguisher is here? Well, okay...' he thought.

The prankster began to unscrew the hose of the extinguisher, and tied it in a knot.

"Don't touch it, if anyone does so, they'll be covered in foam!"

He quickly ran out of the building and hid in a bush...again.

* * *

The geezer went to have a smoke, after he was done searching through the archives.  
When he exhaled out a few rings, there were strange sounds. It seemed, that they were someone's footsteps.  
He leaned over the ashtray, and throw a cigarette stub into it. However, it exploded all of a sudden, and caught fire. Roger screamed, that is quite a reaction.

"Why'd that happen?! As if alcohol is poured..."

From there, he tried to put out the fire by grabbing the extinguisher. But it blew up in his hands and the foam poured all over him from head to toe, only his eyes can be seen through it.  
He looked like Grandfather Frost or Santa Claus.

"Stupid extinguisher! It's broken!"

Going into the restroom, the neighbour sat on a toilet.

"Ouch! It hurts! Was some butter boiled here or is it just me?!" but he felt a burning sensation on his behind.

Subsequently, he stood up and looked down the toilet.

"Wait... it really is! And it's creamy at that!"

Roger began to punch the wall madly, while Woody, who was sitting in the bush, was trying to hold back his laughter. Obviously because, seeing or just hearing his neighbour's misery, fills him with joy... and determination.


	7. A critical view

**Translator's notes: I honestly didn't expect this fanfic to turn into a crossover... with Nostalgia Critic no less. And I'm really not much of fan of him... but hey, there aren't enough NfH crossovers to begin with! So this will be still fun!**

* * *

No one has followed the progress of the series' events, except the audience? No matter what, there will always be a witness.

* * *

Somewhere in Central America...

A young man named **Douglas Walker** , I woke up in his apartment in a good mood. Having disabling the alarm clock which already bothered him, Doug got up, hastily put on his cap, jeans and T-shirt. He popped into the bathroom and quickly brushed his teeth, Douglas put on his black tie and his jacket. After adjusting his glasses, he smiled to himself in the mirror. It was noticeable by his behavior, that he is willing to do something incredible and unusual.

"The review has to start!  
The review has to start!  
My deal is this:  
I don't need words  
About fate and kindness!  
If the movie's lousy, go away!  
The review has to start!"

After singing that song, Doug examined his shelf with DVD-disks in search of material, which one he could see. His eyes caught the sight of a disk labeled **"Neighbours from Hell"**.

"Hmm... looks pretty interesting. This should be reviewed!"

Doug with satisfaction sat down at a table.

"Greetings, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. Remember this, so you don't have to!" he said his usual intro first "You know, in my own reviews I rarely pay attention to comedy series, consisting of jokes, gags and anything else in this spirit. But today I found a very interesting representative of the genre "comedic situation", where there's absolutely no script, no meaningful story connection, and everything is based on pure improvisation. Thanks to internet-based encyclopaedias, and my friend James Rolfe, also known as Angry Video Game Nerd!"

Doug smiled at the camera then continued.

"The name of this gold-nugget of a genre is **'Neighbours from Hell'**. Back in the day, it is aired on TV as an European premiere of the first series in 2002, it's immediately clear, that the series tries to be original: the main hero, who's a nice guy named Woody, ruins the mental balance of his boorish neighbour Mr. Rottweiler. Now - judging by what I've learned: he falls asleep while his TV's turned on with the maximum hundred percent volume, while there's some kind of football or movie. Throwing garbage everywhere, as a result where it ends up in the territory of Woody's house and unconcernedly shouts swears, when others asked him to be quieter."

The critic paused a moment for a short thought.

"Woody himself, is no fool: having gathered all his courage with fist, he decided to commit revenge."

Doug shook his head, he drank water from a glass and continued his speech.

"When it comes to the word 'revenge', I used to imagine a shootout, stabbing, brawling in the style of high-class fighters directed by Quentin Tarantino and hiring a mafia clan to spy on the enemy's family. However, the studio JoWood Vienna TV just gave me a slap in the face for my own speculation: Woody called this very studio and recorded on video cameras the process of arranging his mischief on the obnoxious neighbour.

What an original and very funny idea!" the critic remarked, surprisingly without a fraction of sarcasm.

"The pranks which are done by Woody are various - from egg in the microwave and toilet clogged with toilet paper to exposed electrical wires and having the sofa's legs sawed! Oh, and what a master of mischief he is, due to injury of moderate severity!"

At the bottom of the screen in at that moment, the words _"Don't try this with your neighbours!"_ started scrolling.

"Shortly, the more dirty tricks Woody cause, the louder the laughter and the higher the episode rating. If he's caught by Rottweiler, then expect violence and yells."

*Swearing in gibberish*

"Wait, what?!" Douglas lifted his glasses.

*Same piece played again*

"Let's look at this in a translator!" Doug took some book and leafed through it "Oh, found it! This sentence is translated from one of the ancient languages of curses which means 'Oh, my head's all screwed up!'

Alright, we won't deviate from the subject. All this trouble-making stretched for episodes, except for different special editions for Christmas, Halloween, Easter and other holidays. This is really fun and hilarious, especially this one time, when Rottweiler got himself shocked from an electrified puddle in the basement."  
Then a shot with the above described moment is shown.

"Sometimes, Rottweiler is angry enough, that from his gibberish goes to natural human speech. And Woody never voiced his thoughts about him or other pranks, so as not to lose his charismatic image of a small hooligan.  
By the way, on the bottom left of the screen why's there a thermometer, which quickly goes up, then down? It's inconvenient!

In any case, later in 2003, the man who's the representative of the studio, released a second series. Because of all the annoyances in his house, Rottweiler traveled away to three different countries with a cruise liner.  
Well, the fatso thought he has the last laugh, Dear Lord! He reminds me of a rich Russian guy somewhere around the 90's, who thinks he can afford everything, when it's only possible to have so much damn money!  
That's far from that... Woody went after his neighbour again and continued to construct different pranks. Again they're variable, but all the "repeats" from the first series were forgotten and shoved in the damn closet. Our little hooligan uses everything for all of his nasty purposes, that only can be found in towns, cities and on beaches: sand, sea urchins, electric eels, crabs and other flora and fauna. And, the ill-fated thermometer was replaced with a slightly more decent one with a whistle on top. I think this option is even one hundred and fifty percent better and more convenient.  
As for the pranks, nonetheless, with each episode are getting funnier and funnier. Crab in cooler, crab in a seashell, crab again, but in a sand castle, sea urchin on a chaise lounge, sea urchin on a beach towel and so on. But now, for every dirty trick Woody had to be more careful. Rottweiler's mother and Olga were also there. With them, the episodes had at least some diversity."

Douglas took off his cap and, fanned himself with it to drive away the heat in the room. Then he carried on talking.

"I was pleased with the end of the series. How it end in a playful style of the movie 'Titanic': panic strikes as the ship crashed into an iceberg. Praise to all existing deities, Woody was alive and healthy. But Rottweiler and his mom were also alive, it makes me a little sad. Despite this, I'm happy with the second series. Too bad there's no third one, since one of the crew of the series said that there won't be another one."

Taking the DVD disk, the critic gently shook it in the air and blinked twice. The disk was adorned with a label at the bottom right "Third series" in crimson letters.

"Ohoh! What you ask, you take it, I suppose!" the critic was delighted "My pleas are suddenly granted by the cunning director of the film-making team! They'll be filming the third series! Well, I'll just see and hope, that this series will also be fun!  
I'm the Nostalgia Critic, remember this... and I recommend you to watch that show too!"

Doug concluded the review and turned off the camera.

* * *

Woody was sitting at home on the bed in his room and he was playing the electric guitar which was connected to an amplifier. He played with his own characteristic gusto, probably like any guitarist. He was just done playing Nirvana's hit "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and started playing Eiffel 65's obscure song "Today".  
His phone rang just at that moment, when he was about to get to the chorus. After he turned off the amplifier with his left foot, Woody put down the guitar and picked up the phone.

"Hello? Woody Trickster speaking. How may I help you?"

"Why so formal, huh?" Joe's cheerful voice was heard "It's me!"

"Joe? What are you doing calling so early? Did something happen?"

"Yup, our series were reviewed by a guy from YouTube, whose name is Doug Walker!" Joe replied.

"Oh? The Nostalgia Critic? Awesome! I've been following Doug's creativity from long ago and other people similar to him!" Woody brightened up "I'll be glad to listen to Doug's opinion on our work! Of course, the pranks on the neighbour shouldn't be forgotten! Tomorrow, I'll go back to his workplace and continue to record everything!"

Woody hung up, he picked up a water gun which laid on a rack, and posed similarly like Kyle Reese in the "Terminator" movie poster. His eyes unnaturally shone and it looked like, he has a lot of enthusiasm to prepare himself to record the next series of the show.


	8. What? Scared?

The warm Thursday afternoon did not cease to make Woody happy, who came to his neighbour's workplace. The mischievous hero's full enthusiasm was unchanged, which happens only with TV stars and unrivaled masters of mischief and mayhem.

"Now then ladies and gentlemen, get ready to hold on to your stomachs! I'm about to create a great trick!" Woody announced.

In the nightstand in the main hall, he found photos of half-naked girls.

"Oh! Shoot!" the prankster was surprised "Yeah, right here, we have some fans of mild erotica! Dude... whoever you are, you're a stupid pervert, just put your cunning eye on the well-known actress Sarah Glendening!"

With these words the prankster pocketed the photo. On the security guard's table, there was a bottle of Scotch whisky.

"Hey, old man. Mind if I take that Scotch for a minute?" he asked the guard with a slight sneer.

The guard was looking at the ceiling, with his feet up on the table.

"Just take it, guy... I don't need it!" the guard replied.

Woody took the scotch and went upstairs. Entering the neighbour's workplace, he taped the photo to the wall with the Scotch.

"Jones should see it here! It should be great!" Woody smiled.

After seeing someone's coat on the window sill, he took it and walked away.  
At this time, Roger was at his workplace and began typing something on the computer. He did not see anything, therefore he was not aware of what was going on around him. Surprisingly though, he would barely get distracted even if there was a picture of a half-naked woman, but his boss Jones, saw it. Obviously attracted by the girl's appearance, approached and started looking at the picture with interest. The prankster took advantage of this and made his way to Jones' office

"Оh, this should be useful!" he grabbed a knife from the table for papers and put forth, so that the knife looks like machete.

Then he slipped the coat on, buttoned it and put a mask of Jason Voorhees.  
Only one thing remains - get the attention of Roger and Jones. Which is why the prankster pressed the "Alarm" button, located on the wall's exit of the office. At the sound of the siren, Roger and Jones ran into the office.

"Umm... and who're you, m-mister?" Jones asked in a trembling voice.

"Stop shaking so much, you two!" Woody shouted with a strained hoarse voice "I came here only to let you know about something! Jones, if don't fire this whaleyfish..."

As he said this, he pointed the knife to the neighbour.

"I'll cut you to pieces, barbecue you, send you to the meat-packing plant and say what was in it! Understand, woodpecker?"

"If he does something he's not supposed to do, I'll fire him immediately!" Jones trembled again.

"And you, whaleyfish" Woody turned to Roger "carry out your work fairly, otherwise I'll chop you into so many pieces, even your own mommy won't recognize you!"

Both of them were unable to say anything.

"What, scared?" Woody questioned them spitefully, lifting the knife up "I'm not trying to intimidate you, men! I'm just warning you! But in case, you don't follow my conditions, you'll both be killed! So you both watch it, you empty-headed idiots!"

With these words, he threw the knife into the wall, opened the window and jumped out.

"Mr. Jones, who was that crazed guy?" Roger who got over himself from the shock could only ask this

"Ah, him?" Jones laughed "That was our car-mechanic Williams, he's such an old drunkard! He got himself drunk again and imagined himself as Jason Voorhees!"

"I was so afraid... I thought, I was going to be shredded to pieces! Thank goodness, it didn't happened!"

"Roger, I'll freaking tear you up! I'll say that if you jinx it again, you duck and cover! Because I'll send you flying!"

The neighbour, did not expect such categoricity from his boss. The mischievous hero, listened to their conversation from behind the bushes outside while he quietly chuckled. He himself liked his own joke.

* * *

 **Translator's note: "Whaleyfish" is a cross between a whale and a jellyfish. I saw the made-up Bulgarian word "китуза" ("кит" and "медуза") and I thought that it was a funny insult, so tried to imagine how it'll be in English.**


	9. Sucker punch, or get out of here to Hell

It was a hot summer day. Woody walked down the street, rejoicing and singing a song. After seeing a police car passing by, he smiled and waved. The police chief after noticing him, winked.

"Good day to you, officer Michaels!" Woody greeted cheerfully.

When the police were out of sight, the prankster stood near the building, which was his neighbour's workplace.

'Wow, what a balcony!' Woody's glance fell on the balcony adjoined to the recreation room.

There were boxes with flowers, which were ready to wilt. At that moment, a red-haired lady around twenty years old watered them.

'She looks familiar... That's my old school friend Stephanie!' he thought 'But I'm not here for that, I'm here to ensure that Rottweiler will get fired! Right now, I'll climb up that ladder here to get all the way up there!'

Woody looked around and saw a linen rope on which some clothes were drying.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you city alpinism, also known as snapling!" with these words, Woody cut the rope with scissors, and turned around, unwound the rope and threw it right on the roof of the building, where it successfully caught on a tube.

* * *

Meanwhile, Roger was sitting quietly in the boss's office, and there was something associated with him.

"Then this idiot will begin to scream: 'But what about the program?'! Well, I actually told him - these are people, not programmable computers!

"This old fart also manages to argue with your reasoning, Mr. Rottweiler?" Jones laughed, and sipped some tea.

"He was not alone, he was with a woman then! I heard the children and a scream, as if it was an one year old piglet! I said 'You don't see, and even you too will be sent for re-education!'"

"Oh, it's hilarious!" Jones roared with laughter.

"And don't say you didn't laugh! Okay, I'll go..." with these words, Roger stood up and walked out of the office. Alone, Jones finished his tea and then went somewhere.

Woody jumped to the balcony and moved along the ledge to Jones' office. There, he took out a marker and grabbed some paper, wrote on it "Roger was here". Then the prankster grabbed a cup of coffee and poured it over the keyboard of Jones' computer.

"Surely, this old man will understand everything and will call the neighbour for sorting out their relationship" said Woody, laughing "And now let's have a game of Agent 47..."

The jokester took out a sleeping pill, put it in a new cup of coffee and crouched down.  
When Jones returned to the office, he drank some coffee and quickly fell asleep.

"Like the way it should be! Okay, it's time to cover up the traces..." the jokester got some water in a cup from Jones' aquarium, he sipped it and spat in his face.

"Ooohhh... Young man, who are you?" a groan finally escaped from Jones, waking up. "I think I saw you once on TV for some advertising, but I can't remember..."

"Relax, Mr. Jones. I'm your hallucination! You have to fire someone named Mr. Rottweiler!" Woody interrupted him.

"Ah, right. I'll return into place then..." Jones sat down on a chair and saw the note written in marker "'Roger was here'? Who is this?"

"Roger? The name of Mr. Rottweiler, he was with you a couple of hours ago! He left an autograph before he decided to leave!" Woody replied.

"Okay, thank you! What's your name?" Jones questioned, but then he said "Well, not important! Now I have something to say on the intercom..."

Jones turned on the intercom and spoke roughly:

"Smith, give a kick to the supply manager and have him will remove Rottweiler's reservation from the parking spot - I'll fire him today!"

"Alright, Mr. Jones. It will be done!" Smith said on the other end.

"You see how everything is simple, young man!" smiled Jones, turning off the intercom. "Just press one button and politely say so!"

Woody nodded in agreement and smiled.

"And what is this black spot on my keyboard? Oh, it's coffee!

Jones again turned on the intercom.

"Annie, be kind enough to ventilate my keyboard - it's all splattered with coffee!"

"Okay, Mr. Jones. It'll be done in ten minutes!" replied the lady on the other end.

Woody left the office, saying:

"Well, I won't bother you. Have a good day!"

Jones took the microphone and thunderously shouted:

"Roger Rottweiler, go into my office this instant! I repeat: Roger Rottweiler, go into my office this instant!"

The neighbour, heard it from the speaker, and quickly ran to his boss.

"You called?" he asked.

"Yes, I called!" Jones replied angrily "Because of you, I received a bunch of complaints: you eat at the computer, you poisoned fish in the lounge, and you tried to take away one of the female colleagues!"

"But..." Roger was about to say something.

"No 'but' or anything! Because of you, we have all the valuable footage damaged!" Jones continued yelling "You already bored all the idiotic tricks, you stupid fatso! I had enough! I'll fire you to Hell! Scram!"

"But let me explain..."

"No, I won't! Security! Johnson, get that crazy idiot out of here! I can't let him crawl on my nerves any longer!"

A hefty man with a baton rushed into the office. He hit Roger on the forehead, he hoisted him on his shoulders and then carried him out of the office.

"Let go, you freaking idiot! Go back to where you belong, you freaking animal!" loud shouts escaped from Roger's mouth, but the guard did not care.

"Phew, finally..." Jones let out a sigh of relief.

Woody, standing outside, listened to everything and was laughing. The neighbour literally got kicked out which sent him flying. He lost four of his teeth when he hit the ground. Woody then dialled Joe's number.

"Friend, we have a victory in our hands! Rottweiler got kicked out from work, like a tank out of the trench! We did it!" Woody joyfully shouted.

"That's great! It is time for you to receive the golden award for the best plot twist in the history of the series!" Joe was delighted "You deserve a good break, Woody! Thank you for your cooperation!"

* * *

 **Translator's note: Finally, this is the ending of this fanfic. I congratulate Igor Radaev (Игорян on ficbook) for completing it!**

 **Just one little thing about this chapter - I think I found this one part involved strangling or something, but it seemed too brutal so I changed it to sleeping pill. Again my translation may seem off, my Russian is just not that good...**


End file.
